Sunday, December 17, 2006

my family has never been close.

my mother died 4 years ago. i took care of her at the end, but
we hadn't talked in nearly 15 years before that. i got to say the things
i needed to, and she did as well. i have no regrets where she's concerned.

my sister i haven't talked to since my mother died and before that,
it had been many years. she is not a good person. we shall leave it at that.

my father and i re-established a (good, it turns out) relationship a few
years ago - maybe 3 now - and it's been a good thing. i even went to visit
him last year. come to find out a few weeks ago that he has cancer. 4 tumors
in 3 different parts of his body. they can't figure out which part is producing
the death cells, so they've started him on chemo (the super killer treatment) in
the hope that the drugs will hunt down & kill the offending cell-maker.
i spoke with him (he lives in florida) last monday after the first session and he sounded OK. hungry even. and the second time i called, he still sounded alright after the 2nd session. well, i called last night and he sounded awful. his voice is different - i can hear the pain behind his assurances. he says his bones hurt and he's freezing all the time. has no energy and is feeling pretty surly all the way around. i tell him i want to come down there. he says no. not now. let's wait until the first round is done he says, and then we'll see where we're at. i try and argue, but that gets me nowhere fast. he's made up his mind. the thing is, i'm afraid (since he's 73 and lives alone) he'll fall or some other thing will happen and no one will be there to help him. he won't budge on it, so i tell him that i'll be calling more frequently and not to try and argue.
i feel so shitty and teary and i can't really talk about it out loud - which is why you poor people get to read all this - if you didn't stop at MY FAMILY. ha.
mostly i'm worried that the chemo won't work and, well, that it won't work.
i feel like i just got him back, know what i mean?


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