#@%*!!

i was in florida last weekend visiting my father and looking for a place to live. we found a great house with 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a screened-in porch and a fenced yard overlooking a creek with fruit trees. the rent was agreeable, so we went with it. my dad was funny and weird and charming and told lots of stories from when he was young and a little - let's say... criminal minded. he seemed fine. granted, he was walking slow, and showed signs of fatigue, but hell, he's got some serious shit wrong with him, so it was not unexpected. yesterday i get a call from sarasota memorial hospital advising me that he'd been admitted after taking a fall which apparently was induced by a seizure from one of the lesions in his brain. when i spoke to him he sounded like he'd had a stroke, but his doctor said it was because of the swelling in his head. his vitals were good but his kidneys weren't doing so hot, so they put him on some meds to help that. it seemed to have worked and even his white count was good. dr. singh talked about transferring him to the rehab facility on the premises in the next day or so. i was relieved since i won't be getting down there until the end of june and they wanted to keep him that long. i was out walking the dog this morning and when we got back there was a message from the hospital. dr. singh was there and told me that my father's mental status was deteriorating and he was having problems swallowing. they were transferring him not to rehab, but to the ICU. i asked him if it was critical and if i should get down there ASAP, but he told me no, that his vitals were still good and they were waiting to do another CAT scan. he knows all my numbers and will call if there are any changes.
i'm so scared that he won't make it until i get there. i mean, i'll fly down if things go bad, obviously, but i wanted him to be ok so we could spend some time together before he went. i mean, i know he's not going to come out of this, but i thought we'd have more time. he was so together just this past monday. i can't believe things can deteriorate so quickly.
all these things are scrambling around in my head like some crazy pinball game. i guess i just needed to write all of this down and get it out so i can be as effective as i can be. i've typed half a dozen things and changed my mind about leaving them - mostly they were angry,cursing things - so better to get rid of all the negative energy and ill temper to focus on the positive. ok.
i had a sweet book list and some news links too, but i've not the heart or the energy. i'm done.


11:30pm.
leaving for florida tomorrow 11:45am.
not good.