Sunday, February 5, 2006

don't play nelly at YOUR wedding...

so, the wedding:

i looked good, and i felt good.

after waaay too many hours shopping for the 'perfect' thing to wear - i was, after all, seeing my ex-husband after 15 years - i found it. 15 minutes before the store closed, and 13 hours before the wedding. so now i have a bazillion things to return at half a dozen stores this week. i have NEVER done that much shopping, and i never will again. way too stressful. anyhow, my son and i walked into the restaurant (the whole thing took place there) like we owned the place. outwardly calm, insides all jello-y. we run smack into the ex. naturally. i can not believe how SMALL he is. never a tall man (always taller than me though) he is now what i can only call petite. his new woman (whom i met and seemed rather nice) turned him into a runner. he runs like 6 or 8 miles a day. every day. i offer him my hand to shake - no free hugs from this girl - he looks at me like hmm, no hug? we exchange pleasantries. he introduces me to lisa, mentioned above. - a little back story about the ex: he's been married, including to me, 4 times. he has 5 children by all of his exes. one of which is the bride - his first child/first ex. not a very good track record. my excuse, and i'm sticking to it: i was only 17, what the hell did i know?! and i was the 2nd ex. not yet the fixed pattern-to-be. so there.
so, i move aside to speak to my ex-inlaws. whom i have always liked. lots of hugs there. very happy to see them all. tami's (one of my ex-sisters-in-law) husband rod and i have known each other since junior high school so it was especially good to see him. he's still tall and gorgeous. she's still short and adorable. perfect.
then the puerto rican contingent arrived - late as usual - making a whole lot of noise - and i began to relax. the alcohol started flowing and tongues started loosening. in these instances, i'm really glad i don't drink because i would never remember half of the funny shit that was said, and lord knows it needs to be remembered. my other ex sister-in-law, rosalie, is the most evil woman - and i mean that in best possible way - damn, i've really missed her. she said some truly hilarious things about her brother, the ex! ok. the food was good, the dj was tolerable, blah blah blah... cut to the ex getting up to read a poem that he had written especially for his daughter on her wedding day. now, i bet you can guess that it was pretty awful, and you'd be right, but mostly it was the act of a truly selfish man. here's why. instead of writng about alicyn and how much her happiness means to him and what he wishes for her in the future - whatever - he writes a totally bullshit 'poem' about how he decided what to name her and why. it was some rambling thing about when he met muhammed ali. (note spelling of daughters name)
i couldn't look at anyone at the table because i thought i'd lose it and start laughing and not be able to stop. that wouldn't have been good. turns out everyone else at the table was looking elsewhere as well. afterwards, he has the nerve, probably some liquid courage involved, to ask me if i liked his poem. i struggled with the thousands of possible answers to the question. straight out no? evade and be vague? well, i couldn't really hear it was too noisy back here? i finally blurted out um, i liked the title? (he called it pretty snapshots) he gave me a look and said well, melissa (his daughter #2) certainly is your daughter. i said hmm, was there ever any doubt? he wandered off. when i was ready to leave, i said good-bye to him and lisa. i went to shake his hand again and he said how about a hug this time - i won't bite you. i said well, how do you know i won't bite you? and shook his hand.
and as i started walking away, he said 'take care of melissa.' i stopped and spun around, walked back and said 'melissa can take care of herself' what i should have said was that i'd been taking care of melissa since she was born, thank you very much mr. sometimes sunday dad. but i have more tact than i thought i had. huh, learn something new every day. even at almost 46. a funny thing, and then i'm done with this topic. at my table was steve the therapist. friend of the family and at times therapist to the family. i met him once before and since he didn't really know anyone that wasn't in the bridal party, i sat with him. he's a super terrific guy. anyhow, he meets bruce, the ex and immediately dislikes him. says some pretty insightful things (he IS a therapist after all) and likens the ex to a slick politician who will (and does) say and do anything and everything to get himself elected. BINGO.
then there was cake and aferwards i was escorted to the dance floor by rod to dance a nice slow dance. lovely. i even allowed photographs to be taken of me. imagine!
my daughter the bridesmaid looked absolutely gorgeous and my son cleaned up rather nicely as well. i let him bail after a few hours - he was bored silly. all in all, a good day. my shoes were new, high and comfortable. what else can be said?

book list forthcoming...


Joey said...

I intend to rock "Pop That Coochie" at my wedding. No joke.

sonja said...

remind me to never, ever bring a cup of hot chocolate over to the computer and set to reading my e-mail. i burned my tongue and spit my drink all over the place. but damn, joey, that was funny.
and remember, when the time comes, VIDEO that sh*t!