Thursday, January 5, 2006

no news, no books, just pondering

i think i fill my blog with news items and other people's poetry because i hate thinking, much less writing, about what's going on in my brain. the few times that i've posted personal things they weren't real 'this is how i'm feeling' stuff or i somehow deflected the real-ness with humor. which kind of negates the whole deal, right? anyhow, i did some serious thinking over the 3 days i had off for New Years and i've decided that side-stepping the internal confrontations one normally has with oneself isn't working for me any longer. my body (of all things) has betrayed my confidence by sending me more migraine headaches (5 in december alone) in one month than i've had in the past 5 years in addition to numerous pinched nerves. OK, dammit. i get it. finally. it's the body's way of saying listen bitch, pay attention to your head (and heart for that matter) and i'll let you live relatively pain free. so this is the internal debate i've been struggling with these last few days. or months or years depending on who you ask: how can i meet people with similar interests that are somewhat nearer my age than 27. and CAN i do that? because 27 is all i keep coming across. and while there are definite plusses to that, there are also some sizable detractions. i've gotten so used to my self-imposed isolation that i wouldn't even know where to start looking. being this out of touch is kind of scary at this point in my life. i've never really been good at making friends and i'll tell you why. the thing that i need (or want) out of a friendship first and foremost is intellectual stimulation. you've got to be able to carry on a conversation. so please, go ahead and challenge me to use more than a third of my brain. but the catch is i don't need to see or talk to you every day - in fact, that would probably drive me nuts. and you know, it's not a far drive... i'd like to be able to tell someone something serious about myself with out getting that stripped naked in a public forum feeling. my dilemma (or one of them anyway) is that there don't seem to be many - let's for arguments sake - say 35 to 45 year olds with interests remotely like mine. poetry, auto-racing, the music i listen to - none of those. separately, maybe. i just keep going round and round in my head with all this nonsense. mostly all i wanted to say was i'm tired of being an island but i'm not sure if i have the necessary materials to build a bridge to the main-land.

*end of self-indulgent rambling post #1*


Tiny Tyrant said...

Doesn't EVERYbody like auto racing!?!

Jeez, what's wrong with people?

sonja said...

it's funny, just when i think i run into another race fan, they turn out to be nascar rednecks...

maybe i'm too picky?!