i think it best if after 35 or 40 you disregard any and all references to birthdays. it's not like when you're 6 or 7 and have all the kids from your class come to your party and you get stuff you actually WANT - not NEED - well, except from your family of course. though my parents tended toward the extravagent in gifts perhaps in an attempt to alleviate the burden of their own shortcomings as parents - who knows. on one birthday it took them over an hour (my friend jean told me later that night) to notice that i had actually LEFT my party. i was 12. when i was younger (and less aware) my parents sometimes took me and my sister to my father's favorite restaurant for special occasions. it's long gone, but i think it was in the east 70's somewhere. it was called Damon's. or sometimes he'd switch it up and take us to chinatown to a great place called Shangri-La. those were fun because my father had an audience and he could be really funny and charming when he was 'on'. years later i came to dread these occasions when i began to realize that not only was my dad hitting on the waitresses (and bar girls and hostesses - etc...) but on my friends as well. i also harbored a deep resentment for having been born in february because i never got to have a beach party and always wanted to. silly, i know, but a skiier i am NOT. i've never been a big fan of the cold...
so this week i've been needlessly reminded time and again that my birthday is right around the corner. i'm sure i'll get all these 'funny' you're SO old cards and people will joke about me losing my memory - 'it's the first thing to go you know - wink wink' but i expect mostly good-natured kidding around which usually i can handle no problem, but this year i'm MORE than (>) halfway through my fourth decade -by 1 year that is, and it's bugging the hell out of me. and don't think for one hot second that i'm not acutely aware of how ridiculous i sound. it's my blog and i'll whine if i want to, whine if i want to...
i guess what i desperately need to do is get the fuck out of my own head and put some mental miles between thoughts like...jesus, i am going to die alone and i still need to lose 10 pounds, dammit and please god, let no one get it into their stupid heads to throw me a surprise party because i KNOW i will NOT be gracious and good-natured about it. perhaps some cheese with that whine? ok. basta. enough.
well, i actually DO have a books list to post and then i'm going to return half the stuff i bought for this wedding that i wish was already over.
1) luis alberto urrea's Across the Wire: Life and Hard Times on the Mexican Border
2) jorge ramos's The Other Face of America
3) geoffrey canada's Fist, Stick, Knife, Gun
4) gerald nicosia's Home to War: A History of the Vietnam Veteran's Movement
5) mary karr's The Liars' Club
6) caroline moorehead's Gellhorn: A Twentieth Century Life