Tuesday, August 9, 2005

*please read disclaimer*

this is going to be a personal post, so if they tend to make you squeamish, stop reading right...NOW

i got a phone call from an old friend early this morning telling me that our mutual friend, brendan, had (another) 'psychotic break' last night, and ended up in Bellevue. not unlike last time (when we were on the street and he started seeing killer spiders) he was hallucinating again. he was alone when it happened and that got him beaten up as well as put away for a 72 hour involuntary committment. eduardo wanted to know if i would come to see brendan, but i said no. i tried to explain to him that i had set some boundaries with brendan that i had to maintain. this has been going on for years now, and i can't let his situation drag me down to those ugly places again. i made it clear that he couldn't be a part of my life if he continued to choose drugs and booze and lying and stealing over friendship and honesty. he said some not so nice things that day that i tried to put into perspective - you know, take it from the source - stuff like that, but it's awfully difficult to do when you have given so much and been treated badly in return. not once or twice either - dozens of times at this point. i then got a call from the attending - brendan gave MY number as his next of kin contact - and HE asked whether or not i would come. by this time it was 5:30AM and i had to be at work at 7. i explained to the doc that we were not, in fact, family, and i went through my (by now) hollow-sounding 'boundaries' spiel again. he seemed to understand, and after reassuring me that brendan was in relatively no physical danger, and after giving him my cell # in case things changed, i hung up. not for nothing, but with this whole insomnia thing - i tend to fall asleep around 4 or 5AM, so you guessed it - no sleep for your girl at all.
plus the dog is driving me crazy in all her puppiness (yes, dammit, that's a word!)
it seems i have no space for myself either in, or out, of my head - which is pounding like a small army of ice-pick wielding maniacs are trying to break out of it and take over the world. i don't even know what i'm saying anymore. the dog's in her crate and i have barricaded myself in my office to purge all of these thoughts and feelings before they make my head explode. perhaps that was a tad dramatic. if anyone is still reading this - i apologise.
there's tomorrow - another evil work day, and thursday, but i have off on friday. something to look forward to, i guess. whelp, i'm bone-weary and typed out so

goodnight, everybody


Joey said...

I have a friend who suffers from the same problem. It's scary.

sonja said...

very scary indeed, joey.
if i get any MORE grey hair i'll start qualifying for the senior discount at dunkin' donuts...!

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